The necessary of it all being so unnecessary

Hey there. Been awhile and since I have insomnia after working on bowls for the last 3 days straight it'd only make sense that now my brain can't rest. If only I could sleep like my dog soozee laying next to me not a worry in the world.

I have gone through it man. I don't know when the last time I talked to you but I don't know where to start. So let's begin with the good.

I will be proposing new years eve to my now impatiently waiting girlfriend Yee who in the 5 years of dating has seen me at the highest of highs and lowest of lows.

I had given up on love and truth be told if COVID doesn't happen and I don't get bored enough to reopen my dating apps after a year away from them I doubt I'd ever dated again.

She's nothing like the woman I expected to fall in love with. Shes 4'10 with a attitude, smart as hell and hilarious at all times. She speaks 4 languages fluently but continues to make up words such as delicio (food that tastes good) or whattabug (someone who is annoying) all the while taking care of me in ways that I could never imagine.

She takes cooking to a new level every Sunday and no matter what for 4.5 years we have a scheduled date night where I take her somewhere for the night, we have never missed a single week without a date. Not through parents dying, friends dying, hospital visits... Theres a date even if it's just putt-putt driving around the city and giving $1 to each panhandler.

While I'm screaming at TVs and throwing remotes around my office she is downstairs in her office finding homes for foster kids or driving developmental challenged children to their school at 6 am for no money, that's just who she is and I'm beyond lucky everyday she has me.

My dad had another heart attack and it was severe. It's his 4th in 5 years but this time was different than the rest in that he made it clear he doesn't want me to come out anymore. He doesn't need me worrying about him any longer. Heartbreaking.

He was a terrible father. Left me at age 4 and was a alcoholic/drug addict and would come in and out of my life until I was around 20. He got sober and became a dad but there was always a lack of remorse and no apologies towards my mother ever took place.

He's very much into Jesus and Trump and since I can't embrace either we slowly started talking less and less in the last year.

I saw him get his 25 year chip in Anaheim and he gave the most poignant speech about his recovery and I was proud and then hurt. The speech never included his son who was sitting ten feet away.

We text pleasantries every week now and I love him but I can only go through life trying to make so many people happy and I can't seem to get that man to accept me and at age 46 (yup another birthday) I have to give what is given to me.

I had anxiety attacks that were so severe in September that I began making life decisions not decisions based on the day. So I'm on longterm meds now and they help.

I'm back in therapy. Every Wednesday for a hour I battle wits of my own intelligence and self loathing with a man not willing to budge on the idea that I'm unsatisfied.

I'm in the gym every morning but not for vanity purposes. I just show up and decide on the fly what I want to do. Some days I just sit in the dry sauna and other days I actually lift but it's mostly just to listen to a new album everyday and get me out of my head.

You may have noticed but I'm not posting on social media as much. Im fully addicted to scrolling but it's become less and less. Everyone's a genius, super full of anger and maybe it's just me but gambling Twitter has become full of people who talk in absolutes about things they are clueless on.

I can tell the people posting in confidence have yet to hit that downswing or the regression cycle and or are trying to impress people to think they are above all that. I know better... Most of you do too.

That could just be my own self loathing as I see many as much better than me nowadays in some ways as of five to ten years ago maybe not as much.

Someone did something so kind and I'm sure they meant well actually I know they did.

Someone sent me EOG radio files from 2014 where dink and I would do my CFB card every Tuesday. I thought I would love hearing it but it just hurt. I broke down.

Here are some dinkyism's that came flooding back to me from that era.

You beat poker, you beat football and now you're gonna do baseball and I'm going to go broke because you're going to outwork everyone but you'll be raising pots while not knowing the bullpen usage!

Dink was always going broke. 11 years later... Eddie is always going broke. Every Saturday as Yee will tell you at noon I'm going broke by 10 I did ok but still going broke next Saturday for sure.

If you're going into a sports book never valet. Line moves at lets say ballys and you got get to Caesars now you gotta wait for this guy to bring the car back and he's gonna drive all slow so you can see he cares. Now the number is gone because you had to wait and now you gotta tip the guy who cost you the number.

Never trust a agent who pays too fast. Anyone calling you with a figure at 8 am when he owes you is betting your stuff.

Never trust a agent who settles on a Tuesday. He calls on a Tuesday he's gotta collect on Monday to pay you on Tuesday? One Tuesday he's just not going to pay.

I think about this all the time and it makes me incredibly sad but dink lost 21 OTs in a row in NHL. He was tweeting every OT as he lost. Need blues (lose) and I did the rookie move of suggesting him taking some time off.

I have 17 cents the best of 9 straight coinflips you moron! That's insane! Quit now? Like I could possibly lose 20 overtimes in a row or something!

The recordings of those shows are so funny as I think I worked so hard but he always had such good points and couldn't name a single coach or player just kind of winged it.

This was fun. Let's go it again sometime soon. Thank you for the space as always. Your friend, Eddie