A Idea Worth Trying

A few months ago I really started taking a long journey of what has made me uncomfortable with my work of late. The confidence factor escaped me in the tail end of NBA.

I go to a therapist, I work out a lot, I don't drink or smoke, have a great support system of friends from all walks of life I would like to think and am rarely not amused by my wonderful dogs and long time girlfriend.

I have had a hard summer with just a ton of obstacles that I won't bore anyone further with but it also allowed for a lot of alone time and self reflection.

I rarely think about where my anxiety began. I used to think it was being robbed at gun point while running a poker game when I was 27 or when my best friend killed himself or going bust at commerce at 29 years old.

Traumatic events so to speak but I think it actually came from a fear of failure while being hyper focused on chasing unreal expectations over a accumulated lapse of time.

I've taken probably a thousand bad beats in the last 25 years. I don't remember many but I remember one so vividly that I can somewhat recall every play in the 2nd overtime because I was so frozen in the moments of this huge swing that I really felt would cost me a incredible season.

What would that look like? It was alarming and unrealistic but it meant that much to me at that time... It was 2015 Marshall vs Kent.

I don't necessarily relate to others that well when it comes to work. If you have a salary or a hourly job and it sucks, you dislike it or you love it. You always come home with something.

You can take vacations and get paid even. Health insurance is included normally. Some of these jobs have retirement packages apparently. That's not the comfort zone that I live in. I've tried that a few times and I simply don't thrive in it.

I'm driven by fear. I've never seen a normal, well adjusted professional gambler of any kind at 65. I've never met a bet everyday, on everything win at everything (groups excluded) for long. Time isn't friendly or kind in this game. The fear grows a little every year.

I have to confess that I really didn't want to work on college football this April and May. It was the first time where life events were piling up but I kept thinking someone was out working me, would find everything and eviscerate the market before I would need for the confidence I need to make numbers by August.

Work is normally my greatest distraction when life is turning into a bumper sticker slogan but I really wanted to be present. I worked on football 53 nights in a row and honestly loved every moment but that created some guilt as well, truthfully.

I'm not like you, thankfully for you. I'm going to copy every word by 3 authors that they write for 8 months and all 100,000+ words and cliff notes that to hopefully make perfect sense of what I have read.

It takes me 300 hours every off-season, used to take me less time but portal, NIL and coaching carousel. There lies another insecurity. What if all the work isn't enough? I've never had it happen but it's entirely possible, what will that look like financially and better yet...emotionally.

I watch every minute of every game while taking notes. Every game I grade my pregame notes and give grades to offense and defense. Every loss I feel something. Every win I feel something and I learn what I have right and wrong at a faster tempo which grows my confidence.

I just hate that I'm waiting for 10 am or 5 PM to watch TV for 6-15 hours at a time. It's the most non logical thing you can attempt to explain to someone else.

However I believe that all the watching losses hurts your self esteem. Even if you're good and I mean a absolute crusher you're going to lose a lot. If you can watch a 2 hour film and become emotionally moved imagine watching let's conservatively call it 60 hours a month of losing games it becomes so magnified.

Death by a thousand paper cuts in essence. I don't have all the answers but I'm positive sweating winners and losers without a purpose is regrettable.

These are always the most sleepless nights of the year for me. The weeks before every game kicks off and while I won't take a full day off until April this is where I find out if it all pays off and by how much.

There will be memories of nights I really didn't want to look into offensive line snap counts, I didn't want to read and rewrite a team page, listen to a podcast and take notes and I really didn't want to review (f**k) all 51 teams that cost me money in a successful season but I did... It's what I do.

I spend a large amount of time around gamblers. One thing that is becoming clear to me no matter how successful someone is in this industry from the biggest bettors, HOF blackjack players, 6 time bracelet winners, big movers, big agents and bookmakers no is satisfied.

Everyone has this next venture, this project, this multi decade investment, hell some are even into political fund raising these days.

I don't think I relate to any of that either. I want to be present in my wins more so than ever. Time is fleeting, winning is supposed to be celebrated and I haven't done a good job of embracing the winning as much as I have fully embraced the losing when it occurs.

I normally stop this blog during the season but this year I'm going to give you a monthly recap of all the lucky bounces. The opposite of a bad beat report. I have a few other blogs lined up that I hope to get around to writing as well.

So starting October win or lose for three months you're stuck with me. Hope that this idea can at least cause a smile during election season for someone.

The hope is no matter how ugly it gets I (we) can focus on the victories and get back to that feeling of where the love to win originated. You absolutely can tell me about your wins all season as well. I feel it's worth trying.

I hope you are enjoying your last few weeks of sanity! Thank you as always for the space, Eddie