[2/28/24] #45 - You're Only As Good As

[2/28/24] You're Only As Good As

The people you have around you. Remember your parents saying this?

I've spoken subtly about my support group I have around me and how I had to clean that up some recently.

See in my eyes gambling at a high level requires high confidence. Doesn't matter the endeavour if you don't have any mojo, swagger, etc in your thought process your likely to be drawing close to dead in the multi way pot of lasting years.

So let me tell you who was my biggest critic for over a decade and this is no easy thing to admit.

My mom holds a PHD and is out saving the world one teenager at a time. She is my best friend and no opinion matters to me more than hers. She is my everything.

However my mother imagined so much more for her son. She spends her life trying to save teenagers from mistakes in life so they don't end up in dead ends in life.

Even after I became wildly successful in a young poker career she was right there with that nightly call to tell me about open enrollment at this community college, this cooking school.

I remember playing a 16 hour session when I was around 23 and calling her so elated. It was at that time easily the biggest score in my life. She went quiet as I explained my monster victory.

I slowly hung up and considered the 5 semesters that as she put would this one night would cover plus tutoring for someone with my learning disability.

Then I went bust, taking a job with a book and looking over balances and sheets until I could get on my feet. She never knew.

I tried everything to gain her pride. Cooking classes at Johnson & Wales, nursing program 2 semesters, community colleges 3 in total but it was just for a pause in the scrutiny of not pursuing a real career in her eyes.

Even after I gave my parents the money to fix a rental home it was clear that my money wasn't real as it was earned in this very dirty world where I prey on degenerate poker players or lazy bookies.

I once explained to her how I have a edge in sports as my numbers I create are better than most books at some point of everyday and I also use different information and think differently about games than others... This turned into, "so you cheat these unsuspecting people and then when they ban you, then you cheat them more with friends names and your friends are now part of the stealing?"

Kindness mixed with just the right amount of neurosis can lead to master manipulation in my family.

The second person in todays entry will be called Saul he's been a close friend of 25 years.

Perhaps the most brilliant person you will ever meet and head engineer for the largest engineering firm in Colorado.

We went to over 250 Rockies games over a dozen years, we were inseparable for 15 years.

He married his long time girlfriend who is much like her genius husband and they take classes to learn a language every 2 years because of the ultimate challenge of communication with anyone you meet in life, they are both at master level on chessgo playing several hours a weekend.

He was very encouraging in our 20s of my poker play and study. Slowly he began to distant himself from me. It hurt. He boycotted the Rockies (who can blame him) and daily calls turned to weekly and eventually monthly.

We began talking a little more during the pandemic even rewatching the NLDS games at coors we froze through and laughing all 9 innings of every game on the phone.

We began doing some work at a shelter in 2021 together just once a month and I finally put my finger on what changed between us.

We could talk about all our old friends, fun times, games, chess and backgammon sessions on the mall but when I would bring up anything gambling related the conversation would trail off. Paul hates what I do for a living, idk why, nor do I care... Now.

The third person is a partner of mine from NBA in 2017-18. You ever meet someone so brilliant that you're not sure what you have to offer?

That was stu. Stu was so sharp in NBA that he would tell me on the phone what rotation a coach would go to in the 3rd and we would bet live over or under and he was just printing.

The very next season it started bad. Huge CLV but just bad variance stuff. I would handle all pregame bets and he would handle live and 2nd halves. His second halves were struggling but it was 3 weeks in, no biggie right?

Every night he would text cryptic messages. Hope we can get a 2-2 out of tonight, are we ever going to win again, probably going broke this season and every bad beat was 3 dms of expletives.

Slowly I became pessimistic about the season. By December I was convinced we should just call it a year in 2nd halves but then I would look over results and we were actually up very small... But how??

Winning was rarely celebrated but a 2-5 night was a series of 2 way messages about our appending doom.

I spoke to Stu about it one day and he admitted he took losing so bad and apologized but that very night the same cycle repeated itself and I then noticed volume disappeared after a losing night, even a small one.

Here's where I'm going with this. Negativity will effect your betting. It's a cancer it'll spread into self doubt, a lack of confidence and your going to spiral down that pity hole until you hit the bottom.

All three of these people I care about deeply. I do not have to live by their standards. All 3 of these people unintentionally effected my confidence, how I viewed my own betting & deterred me from believing fully in myself.

Is that their fault? No. It's up to me on how I view their negativity obviously but why I would I allow negativity daily?

Besides my mom who I can talk to for hours without work coming up. I don't talk to the other two much.

Get real with the people in your life even if it seems impossible. Be honest, be yourself, win together in any act of life. Love others and it's okay if they don't accept it.

Thanks you for the space, Eddie