[2/1/24] #41 - That Feeling

[2/1/24] That Feeling

I remember the first time it happened and hoping it was a one off as I laid in a ER bed. It was 2015.

The nurses explained to me when I arrived I had a heart rate of 170 and I was disoriented so they gave me something to sleep and calm me down.

Then the questions came that I am now familiar with but seemed criminal at the time.

Have you been using any illicit drugs? Are you having feelings of hurting yourself? Do you need to talk to a medical professional about how you are feeling? And then they push you out quick as you came.

I was so ashamed my first couple visits to the ER. The more frequent the visit, the more ashamed.

What the fuck is wrong with me??!! Was the question I'd constantly ask myself.

I would go to doctor after doctor. Getting every test done secretly hoping they would come back with a answer of some cureable disease that would allow me to feel completely normal again.

I was semi close with a poker dealer Sven (who I will write about once I'm ready) who had a drug problem and began to gamble heavily and ended up ending his own life.

We used to have lunch a few times a year and he was so funny but one time he went completely silent and said, "there is something so dead inside me and they can't figure out where it is and what it is" and I laughed and told him that was crazy. I regret that laughing it off to this day. Not but 2 or 3 years later I understood what he meant.

Every college football game day I wake up with these butterflies in my stomach but they're not friendly. Every big poker game I'm driving to sweaty feet and hands and if it's hot outside it's a extremely cold sweat.

Games kick off and I take my seat and they go away. I'm at peace. Everything is calm.

Sometimes there is no sweat, no shaky hands, racing heart rate, there is no doubt, there is no lack of confidence and I feel absolutely fine and I have spent my entire life the last decade searching for those days. They're not frequent unfortunately

In 2017 was when it peaked. I wouldn't just have the dizzy spells, up and down stomach but actually began to collapse.

Once at a park with my sweet English bulldog I don't remember anything we were walking pretty late on a summer night and I couldn't stop obsessing over how much I had lost on baseball. I thought I'd tripped but a jogger assured me that I was standing completely still and collapsed.

Do you know how embarrassing that is? So much shame as she drove me and the dog home after I begged her to please not call a ambulance.

Fits of fear every other week. Just would get in my head about how much I have at risk in this venture or on these games and suddenly I couldn't breathe and the more I tried.. down I would have to go.

I knew by then it was anxiety attacks. So I began doing everything I could to beat this.

I can safely say I have eclipsed 100k easy on different things. Self awareness workshops, anxiety healing yoga getaways, traveling alone to find serenity. Yoga coaches specializing in breath work are a scam btw.

I went as far as float tanks (deprivation tanks) and 478 breathing which will open your right side of brain to unlock trauma, nitrous oxide therapy, psychiatrists probably 20 different types of meds and so much more that the list feels endless.

Every med has a side effect but almost all anti anxiety med has a huge downer probability and if you think of yourself as a sharp take Atavan/saroquel/decipermeen etc etc for a month and you'll be more like a dull butter knife but at least you won't have anxiety while you wait for them to find the right dose.

Everyday I wake up and wonder is today ok? You feeling alright? I'm not alone, I know that now. I didn't long ago.

I have a huge supporting cast but I had to develop that. I had to be honest with myself and furthermore everyone in my life.

Here's what I can safely pass on to you. There's hope and here's what helped me for sure just in case you are relating to any of this.

Exercise even a small amount goes a long way and focus while your exercising. Count the reps, pedal harder, walk faster and count the steps in your head.

Talking about it with anyone who you trust and can relate to. I spent all this money on talking to strangers when in reality there's a large amount of gamblers both recs and pros dealing with the same thing I am. On Twitter I have connected with over 100 people in 5 years and talked for hours and we have helped each other in ways that no normal therapist and definitely any Psychiatrist is gonna wrap their head around.

Friends. Do you know how special it is to go out to dinner with someone you genuinely are excited to catch up on life with? No matter how long it's been since you've talked with someone look through your phone and touch base with everyone... So much fear lied here for me personally as I alienate myself from time to time.

Dumb mind exercises. Video games, books, writing, movies... Occupy your mind! Get out of your head and your own way.

Physical touch, sunlight, laughter even forced laughter..

I'm a over thinker, problem solver which helps professionally but works tremendously against me in all other aspects of life.

Support groups are out there and there are some very kind and cool people at all of them.

Therapy but that's up to you but my advice is find someone you genuinely enjoy talking to and if you don't... move on, move on quick. Find your person.

Most of my anxiety lies in these 3 categories A. Wanting to be liked and loved B. Fear of failure among peers and family C. Financially instability

This was not easy to write but I promised myself that I would at some point. Im a work in progress

If you can relate to any of this and are suffering on any level... YOU ARE NOT ALONE and NEVER HAVE BEEN

If you ever need to talk and feel yourself spiraling and that knot in your gut is growing. I'm right here as are so many others. Reach out.

Thanks for the space. Your friend, Eddie